I am someone who has a lot of dreams. I want to travel, yet have a family. I want to explore and be independent, yet I also would love to have someone to share my life with. I believe in Jesus, yet lack faith as a consistent problem. I feel that I'm a cluster of confusion.
Society has told us that not knowing all the answers is fine and full of adventure. Yolo and live your life. Society has also told us that you need to have a 5 and 10 year plan with a 401k and that a woman has a biological clock already ticking in your mid 20s. Decifering though all the lies to find the truth is hard.
I recently had a moment at my job that made me question everything. It's amazing how one small act can make you question if you picked the correct path. It's those moments that also make you think you're a failure. That by making one decision it negates all the work you have put in and all the effort you spend trying to better yourself, and your team, to be the best you can be. I have never openly thought of myself as a perfectionist, but if I were honestly, I am.
I don't like it when I realize I made a mistake or made a decision that I fell could have been a better decision when I look back. Here's the truth though...I'm human and it happens, and it's going to happen again. I’m not the only human to have ever made a mistake. I’m pretty sure statistically there were probably a number of other other people in the world making a mistake at that exact moment, but the lie is always that you’re the only one.
Being a dreamer is something that I truly love about myself. My problem with dreaming is because I'm a perfectionist I sometimes take those moments where I slip and let them defeat me. Not openly, but when I get home I feel horrible and lose sleep over something I can't change. I feel a lack of faith and trust that God knows what He's doing and I feel forgotten. I feel that my one mistake has derailed all of the plans for my life and now I’m on some other path that I could never get back from.
I know that reading that can sound dramatic, but when you’re in your own head we say things like that to ourselves. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to another person because saying it out loud sounds crazy! One act at one time can not derail your entire future, it just can’t in my opinion, but when we talk to ourselves we forget reality and substitute our own. In a heightened state of emotion or stress we say things to ourselves that are not true.
Life is hard and has a real enemy. If you're in a valley remember, God knows and loves you. He has a plan and a purpose for you. If you're on a mountain top, don't forget there there is an enemy out there that seeks to kill and destroy. It's hard for a perfectionist to cope with something they believe they could have done better. I totally understand you, but don't let one decision define your or allow you to start to negate all the work and effort you put into a project or team or relationship. Life was never promised to be easy, but it was promised to be shared if you allow it!
Remember this one thing when you’re feeling defeated: Who you are and who God is.
Remember that perspective and take a moment to rest in it. Trust me it will put everything back in perspective. You are not God, you do not have the power with one decision to derail all of the plans God has for your life. You could slow them down, or you could speed them up, but there is only one unforgivable sin, not believing in God. If you believe Jesus is who He said He is, and you’ve messed up, join the crowd!
Remember who Jesus is. Remember how He created a world, and you had nothing to do with helping. Remember that following his plan is so much better than trying to figure out your own! Remember on the good and bad days, that if you’re striving to follow, it’s better to be striving to follow and than not trying at all!